Carols of Rum and Raspberries
by Sanoiro
Summary: When Lucifer is caught in an awkward situation due to his earlier that day vandalised sensitivities, a counter favour will have him illuminating the ivory keys while talking over matters of rum and raspberries. Written for A03 Lucifer's Christmas Countdown Challenge. Challenged by coop 500. *First of the Tis the Season to be Folly*


Notes at the end of the one-shot.

* * *

Carols of Rum and Raspberries

He was leaping over every other step and his already suffering mood since last night had reached a new low. With an intelligible profanity through his clenched teeth, he leaned on the wall behind him to inspect the bottom of his right shoe.

"Hell's bells… Can't they do anything right?" he growled plunking the sticky festive duct tape pieces from his sole.

When he was satisfied with his shoes which had now stopped slipping, he descended as gracefully as he could down the stairs and cringed at the audible squeaking from the glue residue. With his mood taking one more plummeting for the day he moved towards the only place where he would probably find a solution for his current problem.

As he made his way towards the room of his destination, he quickly scanned the place searching for the Detective and with pleasure he affirmed that he was indeed the first to get there. If he made his way through this quickly, he just might be able to get what he wanted and leave without being noticed.

He closed the door behind him softly and his fingers quickly turned to also shut the blinds. With a rather sinister smile, he opened the nearest cupboard and took in the selection before him. So many choices, he mused and traced his fingers over the various little bottles before resting on one in particular.

"Interesting choice" a mocking-serious voice greeted him from behind. The petite woman who had expected to be hopefully still at home was now glaring at him with a bloody scalpel at hand. Literally bloody that is.

"I would characterise it as an illuminating one, but alas," he jested in good humour but his already dreadful morning was carrying the words with more weight than he had intended them to be expressed.

Her eyes surveyed him and thankfully she carefully placed the scalpel on the examination table. In all honesty, he was catching himself double-checking trivial things lately. After the almost _oopsy_ with the landlord from hell, it was to be expected he supposed.

"Care to _illuminate_ me then?" the woman challenged while removing her single-use gloves. She then carelessly threw them in the bin behind her and spectacularly missed it to Lucifer's amusement.

"For personal use, I'm afraid," he at least had the decency to sound and to his surprise feel ashamed. At being caught that is. She scrunched her nose still looking at her missed throw and he couldn't be sure on whether it was over his admission or about the bloody rubber gloves. Again, quite literally bloody.

"That will need to be cleaned, like immediately," she murmured and took her mobile from her back pocket and proceeded to furiously type.

"You are not off the hook, Lucifer" she caught him from the corner of her right eye as he was stuffing something in his suit's inner pocket. Something that was probably missing from the now closed cupboard.

Sighing in frustration he took out the bottle and placed it on the counter behind him. That was not how this was supposed to go.

"May I have your solemn promise that this will remain between us?" his voice was still gruff from the lack of sleep. In order for his charming effect to work, it would probably take more than one strong cup of tea to get him going. Well, too late now he mentally grumbled. She had probably realised how off he was when she never felt that warm flirtatious sensation, he always emitted, crawl over her when he was trying to persuade her.

"Another empty grave?" she had a feeling that it would be more than that this time around. Where the substance he pocketed was used, only a fresh body would soon be discovered nearby.

"More like a victimised bathtub…" he shamelessly admitted and turned to inspect with an odd fascination her wall-hanged advent calendar.

"A bathtub which was filled with what?" she pressed. Where there was a bathtub there were always pipes. And despite what people believed, a pipe was always giving away a well-scrubbed bathtub.

"That's the problem Miss Lopez!" he said with anguish.

"I don't know!"

"We get nowhere Lucifer and it's Ella, please try to wake up just enough for this" she crossed the room and caught softly his elbow to guide him to the nearest chair. When he took a seat and his face was at the same height as hers, she could see the stupor in his eyes.

"I have to start from the beginning, aren't I?" he moaned and lowered his head just enough to rest on her right shoulder.

"It's this blasted season…Nothing seems to go my way and all that because of my freakish little brother!" a huff came out of him in disheartenment. She patted awkwardly his shoulder and it was that moment when she swore to just turn a blind eye whenever Lucifer was trying to nick something. Actors could indeed be a troublesome kind.

"So you have a brother. And that leads us how exactly to a victimised, as you claim, bathtub?" she asked in obvious bewilderment.

"I have many siblings," Lucifer supplied for the hundredth time.

"He is the youngest though and he sure likes all the spotlight," his voice carried a hint of bitterness and disgust at the same time. Sibling rivalry was certainly amusing. She would know with four brothers running around her for the most part of her life.

"The thing is, I had the most amazing crew and he just had to come and then some cretines transferred his birthday in December!" Lucifer raised his hands to pull several locks of his hair in obvious frustration. "I mean it was bad enough having to deal with one birthday date, and now the second annually throws my life out of order!" He practically whined still tugging his hair. Soon she would start pulling her own if he didn't get to the point.

She looked at him with a meaningful glare to conclude what had driven him to steal from the forensic room of the LAPD.

"In short, my cleaning crew left me for the _holidays_ and then the agency sent what I suspect was a treacherous demon who scrubbed my bathtub raw!" Lucifer hissed with what she would presume was also a promise of vengeance.

"Seriously now? And what you would have done? How you taking a whole bottle of luminal would ever help you?" the whole concept was absurd.

"Are you even following me Miss Lopez?" he growled and his eyes had that crazy glint she had witnessed not so long ago. "Due to that little dimwit relation of mine, my bathtub, my utmost sanctionary and insomnia aid as of late, was vandalised with bleach!" he screeched the last word and even with the blinds closed she knew that his voice had certainly carried out at the main desk area.

She rubbed her forehead and reached to get her crime scene kit. When she found what she was searching for, she raised it up for Lucifer to see. The small spray applicator had his eyes widening and she could see his fingers twitching in eagerness to snatch it from her hands.

"You get this and my small flashlight," she was truly crazy.

"I presume you know the drawbacks. Blood and human waste can also be detected so don't go ballistic over that poor woman before you are absolutely sure," she warned him. Having done several odd jobs during college she knew firsthand how it was to have a neat-freak for a boss. Lucifer just nodded but his eyes were still set on the small glass applicator. He had already ordered a new bathtub but custom orders took time. Moreover, he had just enough time to get this over with and sneak into Maze's apartment to take a quick shower while all three occupants of the house were out for the day for what they had called _'Christmas shopping'_.

"Now it will detect only certain kinds of bleach, are you aware of that?" she snapped her fingers to catch his attention again and she saw his jaw clenching but he nodded nonetheless. The intensifying proof of his tension though was followed by his eyes narrowing.

"Is this a favour between friends?" he asked suspiciously. The thought had merit but the consequences with Ella were never pleasant.

"Which you will return this evening at seven, no questions asked," if this small detail was managed perhaps the evening would not be the disaster she was expecting it to be for over a week now.

"Very well…" he reluctantly took the bottle whilst still eyeing Ella in apprehension.

"Nothing bad, honest! Just be back here this evening," she giggled seeing how her request to return the favour had affected him. Of course, after her last request, it was only natural. That was a night that she and most importantly the priest would never forget. In all honestly, she never thought he would have lectured them over the given communion. 2013 was apparently not a good year for California's vines.

"And I'll give you a card for a different cleaning crew which uses only environmental and porcelain friendly cleaning products," perhaps she would have called two favours for that. Giving business to her aunt's company was one thing. Entrusting her with a nut-case was an entirely different thing.

Before he managed a hasty retreat from the forensic room she stopped him momentarily.

"What's your brother's name?" it was an innocent enough question but from the manner, his fist enclosed the handle, family drama was certainly there.

"Jesus." Lucifer tersely answered and almost ripped the door from its hinges to make it out of the room.

For the next second, she would see Lucifer squeaking his way up the stairs and disappear turning the corner. She just hoped that the poor cleaning lady would confront him through a call and not face to face. That bathtub certainly was valued highly by him. And just then it dawned on her.

"He is part latino?" she cried in horror.

* * *

At sharp six in the evening, a refreshed *little* Devil made his way into the police station. With his bathtub adequately avenged and his sore body relaxed after sneaking into his demon's and the Detective's house for a quick shower, his mood had been improved considerably. The only drawback was his still damp hair which had dangerously begun curling since before he had left the house in a hurry.

The station's entrance was practically deserted and he froze mid-step in fear of another encounter with this morning's duct tape. After scanning the floor he located the possibly hazardous areas and swiftly made his way to the source of cheering. Reaching the stairs, with uneasiness he perceived the situation in which the counter-favour was about to be granted.

"Luce!" the short forensic yelled over the noise to draw his attention. A good thinking if you took into consideration that her hands were barely making it above the crowd. He stepped down the stairs slowly with a posture of regality and found that she had the good manners to meet him at the bottom step. Giving her a hard stare he fixed his suit's button which he had freed for driving.

"Miss Lopez, do I need to remind you that I'm not partial to nicknames of any kind?" Instead of replying she tugged his sleeve and stumblingly he was led into the forensics lab.

"If you wanted to do the nasty, I'm afraid you've lost your chance," his eyes glinted with the prospect of finally using the station for his wicked ways. Yet his dear therapist had him on intercourse probation. Something about feelings and chickens. Unexpectedly, it was weeks ago since he had experienced the collywobbles over advancing to any kind of sexual gratification. Thus, the probation had simply forced him to evaluate the matter of *feelings*. Some bothersome whacky things they were.

She held a hand to halt him and forcefully sat him on the same chair he was sitting that very morning.

"Quick briefing," she announced and gave him a piece of paper and a pen. "Do I actually require that?" He was stunned. Since when did his female acquaintances and more felt freely to treat him like a lap dog? Should he be enraged? Should he act out? Should he just swallow down everything and take it? Well if he ever wanted to resume his night activities, communication was the key according to his dearest doctor. Celestial narcissism apparently was not an aphrodisiac for a certain someone. Hence the needed practice on communication 101.

"Do I actually require that?" He was stunned. Since when did his female acquaintances and more felt freely to treat him like a lap dog? Should he be enraged? Should he act out? Should he just swallow down everything and take it? Well if he ever wanted to resume his night activities, communication was the key according to his dearest doctor. Celestial narcissism apparently was not an aphrodisiac for a certain someone. Hence the needed practice on communication 101.

"For today it's Luce. Not Lucy, not Devil, certainly _not_ Lucifer." she delivered shakily what she had chattered under her breath for the past couple of hours. At his widening eyes, she felt encouraged to continue. Perhaps if she took him by surprise he would comply with everything.

"You will hit the piano with normal, I repeat normal songs and an occasional Christmas carol." she said pointing blindingly the unseen left corner outside the room, where the small upright piano was put for the evening.

"You will also not talk at length with anyone you don't know," she stressed and took a gulp of air as the battle seemed to now be over. It was only a matter of time to see what the result of the said battle was to be.

"Miss Lopez." Lucifer tentatively began. "Ella." he tried again trying to set himself to an advantageous position which politeness had always gotten him.

"Ella." he tried again trying to set himself to an advantageous position which politeness had always gotten him.

"Do you not share the belief that borrowing some of your chemical speciality, importunes for an unusual high exchange rate?" There, he had objected openly with the set demands of the woman in front of him.

"Lucifer my grandmother is out there," she revealed with anguish. "My very old and extremely devoted latina catholic grandmother. The mother of my nun aunt!" Ella's hands rested on the back of her head and pulled with frustration her neck.

"My very old and extremely devoted latina catholic grandmother. The mother of my nun aunt!" Ella's hands rested on the back of her head and pulled with frustration her neck.

"Oh woe is me…" he palmed his face in frustration. He should have known better, why after so many millennia didn't know the trickery of human nature? And most importantly why he had stopped with his deals? Favours seemed to be a level higher from any kind of soul bargaining deal. Perhaps he should reassess his practice of offering deals and move to favours instead.

"Still with me?" she chuckled nervously and when he slightly nodded she let out an audible exhale.

"Let's reacquaint once more your demands" he grunted and raised his palms to hide his nose as if in a praying gesture.

"Lucifer is out of the window," she adamantly stated and instinctively took a small step back when his shoulders stiffened.

"It will be Sammy," he offered in reluctance and she could she his face contracting in an obvious grimace. "Just for tonight and to as few individuals as possible. Clear?" his voice whispered faltering at the end of each spoken word.

"Just for tonight and to as few individuals as possible. Clear?" his voice whispered faltering at the end of each spoken word.

"Nice to meet you, Summy!" The man before her had gone to great lengths to refine his acting and she had resorted him on halting his dedicated rehearsing. Knowing how resolute he was about his method she couldn't help but feel guilt creeping over her.

"Pass. The second was no tattling with strangers and the third to be your entertainment monkey in a suit for the evening." he suddenly felt very old. All the aeons suddenly weighted heavily on his back.

"Ready to face them?" she nervously played with the door's handle. With an involuntary pained whine escaping him he lifted from the chair and followed her in the packed room.

The decorations were appalling and he would have sworn that something was attached once more to his soles. Looking down he took a deep calming breath. Was it so difficult to keep the refreshments in their cups!? It was no wonder the station needed the Devil to transact their cases.

"Abuelita!" the woman squealed while still dragging him by his suit only to bump through hands, shoulders and buttocks. And there she was. They say big things come in small packages. He could attest that terrifying ones also applied to that rule.

A small hunched woman in a wheelchair was inspecting the buffet with obvious disinterest and a hint of dismay. This human's whole form was wrinkled and her apparel prepared him for what he already knew. Dad's fanatic groupie straight ahead. Abort! He had to somehow abort, but Ella's right hand got a better grip of his sleeve making his cufflinks to dig into his immortal flesh.

Everything about that woman cried out, age and senility, everything except her eyes. How could see even make out anything around her was a miracle really. That eyes glinted with anticipation when her granddaughter came into her view and a small shining smile played in front of her obviously replaced denture.

"Noella!"

"Now that explains quite a lot," he said under his breath. But for that one moment he believed that this might actually work, Lucifer relaxed his stance and flashed a charming smile from the top of Ella's head. Women of every age swooned over his salacious grin. It was a short-lived change for his mood as the woman's smile disappeared and her eyes narrowed behind her large, thick lenses.

"Ita, this is our special consultant Sammy," she hastily introduced him feeling the change in the air. Forcing a smile she took him from behind her and pushed him towards the piano near the end of the table. It was then when the previously innocent grandmother grabbed his sleeve.

"What is with the women of this family and destroying my suits sleeves?" he wondered out loud to no one in particular.

The old woman's eyes inspected him from top to bottom and with a sharp pull she forced him to bow to her eye-level. As far as he could see things developing from that point onwards, he would either end up with a cougar granny groping a handful or a bloody lumbago. To the hell with the height of this family he had enough. He released his sleeve from her grasp and made his way to the piano trouser department and lower back intact.

"Up to your standards?" Ella questioned anxiously but her eyes were locked with her Grandmother's.

The instrument was old and the keys were chipped in certain places. It didn't hold much promise but whoever knew little about pianos it was the interior maintenance that counted most. New strings and well-cared wood. He stood up just enough to take a peek underneath the top board. From what he could tell the turning pins and the strings were properly cared and didn't appear to be worn or lax.

"Only one way to find out I guess," he scowled in concentration and hit a few keys. He hummed in appreciation to the sound and played around some more.

"Not bad, you will not suffer, I, on the contrary, will need weeks of therapy after this," he declared giving her a dirty look. His hands were placed again on the keys and effortlessly started to play his instructed lounge melodies from the given list in front of him. .torture.

"Duende!" someone wheezed next to him and something hard collided with his left ribs making his hands flatter on the wrong keys. Without pausing the melody he turned to see the infuriating aged latina swinging her clutch and aiming his head for another blow. He barely ducked before catching mid-air the bag.

"Miss Lopez! Please control your maternal forebear!" he loudly shouted while he disposed the bag on the top of the piano and his eyes flashed dangerously to the previously adorable granny who was now flipping the bird at him.

"Now that is rude," he admonished while rubbing his temples.

"Ita!" Ella breathlessly wailed and wheeled her grandmother at a safe distance from Lucifer.

"He is just an actor promise!" she started not knowing what had sparked the violent incident.

"He is even part latino!" she revealed in hushed tones and the elder's eyes widened in delight.

"I'm what?" Lucifer demanded to know behind the piano's bench.

"Well at least his brother is." she quietly admitted but her grandmother had already a change of heart and from her cardigan's pocket, she presented two small wrapped candies. ' _Senility in all its glory'_ Lucifer remarked.

"Still no clue and I'm not taking candies from strangers." he suspiciously stared at the offered candy and repressed the urge to accept. So he had a sweet tooth. Big Deal. Gluttony was a sin after all. What's one more in his list?

"Your parent's advice?" Ella quoted the well-known line while getting back the bag from the top of the piano.

"Beatrice's actually," he admitted with a slight flush on his ears.

"Buddy if you waited for Trixie to tell you that, I have no idea how your nieces and nephews have made it alive this far."

"Excuse me?" his face was bewildered and obviously could not follow her reasoning.

"You said you have many siblings, I just assumed that you also have nieces and nephews," now that was a common logic.

"We don't procreate Miss Lopez," he felt the need to inform her on how wrong she was. Dear Dad had made it clear that his _biological_ children would never have that option. They were put in this world once-upon a time to eventually guide his toys and not to play with them. Now that was a real pity as he had personally discovered.

"So you adopt?" Where she was finding this kind of logic he would never know. But why break the disillusion of a human?

"You could say that…" he was not actually lying. Being appointed as a guardian angel was very much like adopt your own human this holiday season. Personally, he would take his chances with sea monkeys as Beatrice claimed to fair well under harsh conditions.

"So Jesus is adopted?" she took a seat on the piano bench next to him and peeled the wrapper from one of the candies her grandmother had given them.

"No, actually he was the only half brother we had," the existence of that little rugrat had caused an uproar in Hell at the time. Mother had not taken cheating well, immaculate conception or not.

"Was?" she worriedly looked at him and his mind drifted to another brother of his who was indeed gone and gone by his very own hand. His expression must have her mistaken one loss for another and she started rubbing his left shoulder in comforting circles. Not that he noticed really.

"But you hate him," that wasn't a question. That much he knew. Not lying had its disadvantages and instead of replying he just nodded.

"Father gave something of mine to him while I was away," this was a really sore subject for him. "It was the very first thing I had created for the sheer pleasure of it as a youngster." Oh, he could remember it sparkle brightly in his hands. It had provided him with solace after the neglect had started and right before his fall Father had snatched it out of his very hands.

"It was the very first thing I had created for the sheer pleasure of it as a youngster." Oh, he could remember it sparkle brightly in his hands. It had provided him with solace after the neglect had started and right before his fall Father had snatched it out of his very hands.

"What like your makeshift rattle or something?" she knew not to stir a reaction out of him at that moment. He was a good man but there were times when an instability could be detected and it was both unsettling and frightening.

"Or something." his voice drowned and resurfaced memories of loss and longing enfolded him.

"I may not know much but in my family, handing down something precious is made to form a connection between siblings." Ella had received many odd things as a baby and a toddler from her parents which originally belonged to her brothers. An old favourite toy from Achilles or a pair of knitted socks from Jorge.

"Just think about it. Perhaps he wanted to give him something from you when you weren't around to do it yourself," she explained and got up to cover with a light blanket her now dozing grandmother.

He had never thought the possibility of his Father's adoration to still be there, but it was true that despite his brother being also his Father, he had never met him at least in that kind of form. If he had still been at home at the time he would be expected to perhaps gift something but regardless he never got around to do it anyway. So that was why the first light he had ever made had been used in such a way? What bothered him most was that no matter how absurd this was, he mourned the lost chance to gift something to a brother who had never met.

"Lucifer!" a familiar force knocked his breath and his arms got a hold of her fast enough to steady her. If Beatrice was here that meant that soon more familiar faces would follow. Perhaps he would get a hint later tonight on what was now packed in the Detective's closet for him, although unfortunately to be received in less than a month away.

"There is a triple chocolate cake at the other end of the table," he whispered to the little adorable spawn and turned to resume his playing.

"And then carolling?" she asked him with an obvious sugar-fueled excitement. He would need to have a talk with a certain demon over the child's snacks at some point.

"If you can find Ella," he winked at her and shoo'ed her away.

With a resolution in mind which he knew it was foolish, he decided that it would be a one-time thing only. No personal attachment beyond that night and he certainly knew that the other end of this deal wouldn't exactly care what he wanted to give. Yet the Devil had gone soft and just for one night he decided that with no consequences he would be free to do as he pleased.

"I was summoned I believe," Ella's voice warmed him up and he patted the bench foe her to sit next to him. She observed how his body had relaxed and his face was graced by the rare combination of an innocent smile and soft untroubled eyes.

"Do you know your carols Ella?" he asked softly and took her hands in his. She returned the relaxed smile and gestured him to hover his fingers over the ivory keys.

The hours passed in comfortable singing and playing. Not even Beatrice bother them much, although at some point she had found her way to his lap and had then attached herself to his chest like the little munchkin Detective Douche always claimed her to be. Lucifer had been late by a couple of millennia but a birthing gift was never overdue in his book. It took him longer to understand the meaning of things but in a rum scented and raspberry tasting galaxy he would give his gift under his own terms and timing.

As the wee hours arrived and the crowd had scattered to find a place to rest, he still held the little girl in his arms while the sassy Latina had long lost the battle with exhaustion over his left shoulder. Finishing the last carol for the night he pondered that he could not wait to see what more this holiday season had in store for him. His fingers finally played absently a few verses over the keys and his eyes flickered on a slender resting figure in the distance.

"Just have a little patience…"

The End

(For now)

* * *

Notes: For A03 Christmas Challenge 4 - Carols, with Lucifer and Ella at the Police Station. Written by Sanoiro. Challenged by coop500.

\- Please visit the A03 Challenge if you want some more Lucifer Christmas one-shots by authors who do not have a FF account but deliver some spectacular pieces daily.

\- This was supposed to be around 600-3000 words. Obviously, I went a bit overboard.

\- I'll re-edit this before the New Year's eve. Hopefully...

-Also, I'd like to share with you two more things.

1) While writing this I was listening to a song for a different ff project and it just happened to fit this oneshot. The song was Patience by Take That. Laugh all you like but it surprisingly worked for me. What also fueled some of my imagination was the piano cover of the song which I use in the ending. (/watch?v=Tc02gS1BJlI)

2) Whatever I've planned to write for Lucifer's Countdown to Christmas Challenge is interconnected so you might find some kind of continuity in my future Lucifer's Christmas Oneshots.


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